You are allowed to be angry, okay?

I was holding back a lot. Maybe I still kind of am, until this day. I am so used to keeping the peace, hence wherever I go, I’m too afraid to cause conflicts and inflict verbal blows. In short, I am too afraid to rock the boat and capsize it, then end up hurting the relationship at hand. It’s funny that, at the end of the day, I ended up jumping out the boat to the water instead, because I just couldn’t handle the tension on the boat itself.

If you talk to my family, friends, and colleagues, they would say that I was never really enraged, rarely ever snapped. The anger would usually be disguised as tears or silences. Some of them might also think that I wasn’t capable of being angry and infuriated—that I was too soft for those tempers. It didn’t mean that I never actually felt intense temper—that would be a whole lot of bullshit. It also didn’t mean that I was good at keeping my indignation in check too. It means that I was fearful of expressing that certain part of me out to the world, because I always thought that it was wrong, it was something that should be avoided at all cost in order to preserve the relationship at hand. But this is where I’m mistaken.

Believe it or not—energy is real and it always flows. In fact, it never stops flowing. Every emotion signals something within your system, your body, your mind. They are energies, they always flow. When you stop them from flowing out, you end up hoarding and circling these energies all around, inside you. It will never cease to exist unless you let them flow out of you. You can distract yourself from feeling them, you can suppress them for years, you can neglect them and just let them be—but they will still be there no matter what.

In my case, I usually never get angry, but I become aloof and cold. I shut people out. I get withdrawn. I carry out lots of silent treatments. This is a toxic character trait that I recently learned about myself.

I don’t always do these things when I'm mad and lowkey enraged at you, or disappointed. I might just be overwhelmed with my own shits and need some time alone to go figure myself out. But you will never tell the difference between these two. Just know that when I ghost you, it’s not always about you. Sometimes, I just want to retreat and be a fucking hermit for a bit—sometimes for far too long than normal.

Is it wrong to do that?

Yes, it is.

And as a matter of fact, I am very much aware.

Therefore, I am never ever feeling entitled to be understood and tolerated by other people in regards to this toxicity of mine. Never. If you want to leave and get a fresher, I wouldn’t stop you because I understand. Also because I genuinely want the best for you and your life. I'm serious. I would hate to drag you down and drain you.

Back to the topic. For years, I couldn’t really express my anger. I just kept it in, letting it flow through my trickle of sweats and veins of blood. Mouth is shut, imaginations run wild—grotesque scenes in my head. I knew I had to release the fire out, or else I would have burst in my very own flames. Hence, I tried expressing my anger when I did feel them, instead of hiding them away or disguising them in other forms, just like how I usually do.

About a week ago, I finally was able to let go and not hold back anymore. When I felt displeased and irritated because of someone, I showed it verbally at that very moment too—I spoke it out. It was a cold banter with someone due to some silly disagreements regarding food. I don’t want to go into the details, but usually when these kinds of things happened in the past, I was always the bigger person, the one who backed down and gave in to the other person to keep the peace and not prolong the argument. But this time, I wouldn’t let that happen anymore. I was furious and I let it out. It was uncomfortable. It was terrifying. I felt bad about it but I also felt relieved in some way.

So, this is how it feels, huh? To finally let out this part of me to the world. Feels fucking amazing, just like a massive orgasm after being edged for so long.

Not that I ever felt that. At least, not yet.

Okay, what am I writing?

BACK TO THE TOPIC.

Girl. You are allowed to be angry, you truly are. Express ‘em all, buddy. You are allowed to stand up for yourself when you need to, even if it risks in hurting the relationship at hand. You are allowed to set boundaries in your relationships with your family, friends, or significant other. Respectfully assert yourself to make sure people know not to disregard you and look down on you just because you are a softie. You don’t have to always be the bigger person. Fuck. That.

Now I do need to clarify something. When I said express your anger, I didn’t mean violence. You can express your anger, but be mature enough to express them wisely to some extent. No punching in the face and no unnecessary disgusting retorts. Know your limits. Okay?

Good.

You are damn worthy, so don’t believe anyone who said otherwise.

—Later, love!