This and That

When I was in kindergarten school, I unintentionally burned the back of my right calf because I played and stood too close to a burning hot motorcycle exhaust pipe. I didn’t cry nor complain. I looked around and made sure no one saw me. I pretended nothing had happened and continued playing, while lowkey wincing in pain. I wonder why.

When I was in early elementary school, I unintentionally fell down and hurt one of my knees, making it bleed and injured. I didn’t cry nor complain. Again, I pretended that nothing had happened, covered my injuries so no one could see it, and silently bore the pain. I wonder why.

When I was in late elementary school and middle school, some people made fun of my dark skin tone. I never talked back. I pretended that they were only friendly jokes and I shouldn’t feel offended. I just looked at them, smiling or laughing. I wonder why.

When I was in senior high school, there was a group of people I didn’t know (in my tutoring class) that shouted the word “Ugly!” at me repeatedly, in front of my tutor and several other students. Everyone in the room was shocked, then it got really silent and awkward afterwards, so I pushed back the feeling of shame and pretended that nothing had happened and continued studying. I wonder why.

All of my life, I have always hid myself, making sure that I didn’t catch other people’s attention although I was hurting and in pain. Confronting someone was never in my dictionary as well. I always tried to stay invisible and lowkey as best as I could. Why is that? Why am I so afraid of being seen, being perceived, being judged?

Don’t get me wrong, I was also a carefree kiddo at some point in my life—I enjoyed talking and expressing myself too. So, what happened? When did it go wrong?

When something struck me, I almost immediately went silent—not even reacting negatively. Why can’t I express myself freely? I want to cry for help when I’m hurting and in pain. I want to get angry and confront people when they hurt my feelings. But, it feels almost impossible. Why am I so afraid of seeming vulnerable?

These days, I’m trying to present myself as I am with less hiding. Sometimes I’m successful. Some other times, I fail. But hey, at least I’m trying, right?

At times, I even expressed my vulnerability too much and I’d hate myself even more after that. It was never in-between, either I was keeping it all in or expressing myself too much, so I don’t particularly like this.

I don’t really know how to act in front of people. I get all anxious and awkward. I’m afraid I hide myself so much that I seem pretentious, fake, or maybe aloof and cold. I’m afraid I express myself too much that I seem unbearable, making people uncomfortable. It’s always a struggle to choose between the many masks I have that it gets hard to even breathe and think. I get sweaty, my mouth stutters, and my hands tremble.

People always say, “Just be yourself and the right people will find you.”

But who even am I? What am I like and how do I just be myself?

If somehow I make people uncomfortable by being who I really am, would that be okay? Would that be acceptable? I assume, it wouldn’t. That’s why I’ve been hiding myself, I guess. Being seen and perceived scares me, because what if they all see how rotten I am and ridicule me again, saying how ugly I am? What if they all see how disgusting I am and shoo me far far away? What if they all see how defective I am and show it to everyone else? Yeah, I would probably fall apart.

This is how I usually do Shadow Work. I question myself a lot and in details—my thought process, my feelings, all the what-ifs, what happens after, what I should do next, how I can better manage this. I immerse myself in my shadow self as much as I can, as if I'm scraping every inch of my darker side, then, laying all the pieces in front of me. After that, I compartmentalize myself in order to observe them objectively. This is what I would say to myself next:

Falling apart? Girl, what does that even mean? How do you define 'falling apart'? What does it feel like? Why would you even fall apart? Other people have THAT much power on you, huh? Why do other people matter that much? Ask yourself that.

Now, breathe slowly. Understand that in life, some people would not like you as you are and that's okay. People would mock you, ridicule you, say bad things to your face. That's not the greatest thing to experience, but that is life. People do things based on their filters, past experiences, trauma, and their self-beliefs. If people do these things to you, imagine what kind of filter they have in their head. What kind of self-beliefs do they have in their hearts? What kind of past experiences and trauma do they collect throughout their life?

It's the cycle of life. Somehow hurt people hurt others. The abused becomes the abuser. I hope you're not that kind of person. I know you're not that kind of person. So, breathe... and let it all go.

You fall apart because of it, but you can always choose to get yourself back together. You have all the time in the world. It's okay. It's safe to express yourself. It's safe to put down the masks. It's safe to just be who you are. People don't have to like you. But you need to like you.

You are gonna be okay as long as you like you for who you are.

—Later, love!