Suede Burgundy or Satin Lake Blue?

I have a feeling I begged for this life. I know I begged for this life. Not on my knees kind of begging. I think, it was more like a threatening to rip my chest open and squeeze my inside organs kind of begging.

How do I know that?

Pattern recognition.

And just a deep gut feeling in my chest.

Now what does that imply exactly? That I'm grateful and happy I finally got one? That's the logical stance, is it not? If I'm begging for hell, I must've been joyful for hell. If I'm begging for porcupine spines, I must've savoured it gladly and let blood trails down my throat.

What a cute little thought we have there.

But I disagree.

Even angels are falling, how could you stand for your own truth and desire?

Think about it. Sometimes you desire something so bad, it almost kills you, but you might just be sprinting from something deadlier, and not because you genuinely aspire that hunger.

"Choose your own sufferings," People say. No matter what directions or angles, suffering accompanies. It's our most loyal comrade. So might as well choose your own personalized one, like you're in a luxurious boutique store. Suede Burgundy, or Satin Lake Blue—take one, and wear it proudly. If you're fed up, simply choose another one. Hire your own clothing designer if you must. You'll reach a point where you'll be convinced of your man-made illusions of happiness. 

People also say, "I just want to be happy in life."

Well, you just got it. Congratulations?

Quick fun fact: Happiness is relevant, but objectively, survival means more.

However, it is also irrelevant to survive just for the sake of staying alive. Classic paradox. I'm not hating it.

If I were to be in a zombie apocalypse, I would volunteer to be the first batch with half-jaw and a quarter of arms, because there's no point to withstand as a whole, and sometimes oblivion is our heaven.

I have a feeling I begged for this life, to run from oblivion towards chaos. Heaven to hell.

How do I know that?

Pattern recognition.

And just a deep gut feeling in my chest.