Something I've learned about myself lately

I recently noticed that I’m naturally drawn to intense stories—in movies, books, and just about anything. I like stories that destroy me completely, ruin me in every way, and make me devastated to the core level. I yearn for insanely twisted and suffocating narratives that have the capability to make me literally sick to my stomach, something gnawing viciously at me. In short, something that drives me completely insane.

Why?

Simply because it turns me on. Like, really on.

Not sexually, but more as in making me feel alive. And again, not in a psychopathic and masochist way, but more in a grounded understanding kind of way.

Have you ever heard a quote that says something like, “You are not a good person, you are just naive, if you have not understood your own evil and what you’re truly capable of doing in your lowest and darkest phase.”

By knowing, acknowledging, and educating myself on the reality regarding how dark our world really is, it makes me feel at peace. The irony is weird, but the more I know, the more I feel grounded. And the more I don’t know, the more I feel anxious and disoriented. For me, ignorance is not bliss, it’s just a temporary high, and I’m not looking for that. I’m looking for the truth, even if it breaks me apart.

It’s also the same with how I feel about myself. The more I know the truth about myself, the more I feel grounded, even if they are disgusting, malignant, stupid, and ridiculously mad. It doesn’t matter, as long as I’m able to understand the depth of my very own darkness—how and why these things ended up inside my system. Instead of rushing into some conclusion based on certain dogma among society, I’d usually prefer to sit in silence and ponder about it, diminishing outside noises that can be eating out the true essence of the situation at hand.

That’s where meditation comes in.

I was born in a Buddhist-Confucianist family, but I have never learned how to meditate properly based on the rules and regulations in the religion itself. I don’t meditate for religious purposes, I meditate for the sake of my sanity. And it works, at least for me. Energy needs to flow, but somehow life always has its own ways to stall and inhibit them. Meditation helps me to reorganize my energy field and let it flow back to where they belong—either back to others or back to me. That’s why I always need plenty of time alone in my life, because when it comes to other living beings, I’m all in. I do need to learn how to set some boundaries in real time, not in the aftercare. When I see you, I truly see. When I hear you, I truly hear. Whatever comes out of you, I truly feel. So, be it deep sorrowness or utmost euphoria, I taste it on my tongue and sensate it in my bones. Remember this, when you find me cold and distant, it's not because I don't care, it's because I care too much that my energy field just sprouted everywhere all at once, getting it all mixed up. Therefore, I need time and space to ground myself back. Some of you might understand, some of you might not. I can't explain this any better. Just take what you can take.

Meditation also teaches me clarity, objectivity, and neutrality. I believe in inner voices within us—it always tells the truth. It’s the underrated part of our spiritual anatomy. Without the influence of the outside world, who are you and what are you doing here? It knows everything. You just need to be open about it.

Close your eyes. Breathe slowly and steadily. Focus on the sounds around you and the sensations you feel on your body. Understand that you are safe here and nothing bad can happen to you. Then, it will naturally come to you—the intuition, the inner voice, the downloads from the singular consciousness that is connected within you. Sometimes, it would come in bulk all at once, sometimes it would just be a grain of salt.

Maybe, this is what people do when they pray, right?

...Not exactly, I think, as this doesn’t involve special words and mantras, just pure intention is enough. Or maybe it’s not relevant to compare the two, because one is a set of regulations and rules based on the believed historical events, and the other one is just my personal way of living. Again, for the sake of my sanity. To clarify, I’m not against religions. On the contrary, I’m interested to learn more and understand about them and their history. I believe I can always learn something, whatever the religions are.

Lastly, I would like to accentuate that, the more intense the story, the more "turned on" I get because I am entranced to depth, complexity, and dimensionality. At the end of the day, it’s what human beings are.

I am not scared of your darkness, I am scared of your falsity.

You are worthy.

—Later, love!