Is it a crime to be born as a woman of color?

Since I was a kid, I always felt like I didn't belong. I couldn't quite fit in anywhere. 

I was born in a mixed Chinese-Javanese family. My mom is Javanese and my dad is of Chinese descent (not quite sure after how many generations, maybe two or three). While I don't look like Chinese at all, my other two siblings actually do. And, what is weirder is that, my mom does not actually look like a Javanese-born person, while I very much do—with brown skin tone that was a bit dull. Growing up, I was always questioned by my parents' acquaintances when they met me for the first time. They always asked why I looked so different with my parents. Hence, my parents usually only answered that I looked more like mom than dad, while my other two siblings looked more like dad then mom. Then, the people asking, usually sugarcoated their reactions with a compliment like, "Oh, it's okay. She looks sweet although she's dark-skinned."

Wonderful, isn't it?

As a kid, I always hated being called 'sweet' because I knew they didn't mean it, they never did. Here in Indonesia, people compliment you to look 'sweet' only if you have darker skin tones and are also not pretty enough. I hated to be reminded over and over again, that I was not pretty like other girls. I already knew that I was not pretty, I didn't need to get reminded about it all the time.

This didn't happen only within the Chinese community, it happened everywhere—even within the Javanese community itself. They questioned and complimented me the same way, over and over again. Once when I visited my mom's hometown (in the countryside) as a kid, a female adult, who was one of my mom's friends, said how very odd it was that I had dark skin although I was supposed to be a city-girl. I just laughed it off.

Truly a wonderful experience.

Throughout my school days back then, starting from elementary to middle school to senior high school, some of my friends would joke about my skin tone—how dark it was and everything. Some of them would casually mutter oh-so-cordial remarks here and there, when there was a chance. And so, at that age, I would start questioning my worth, over and over again, just because I was tanned.

They would also occasionally put their arms beside mine and compare them just to see which one of us had the fairest skin tones, then they would shower that person with compliments and friendly laughs. I could just choose not to partake in it, but somehow I kept doing it. Maybe to convince myself that it's not that big of a deal to have the darkest skin tones within the group. Or maybe simply just to feel a sense of belonging amongst my peers. You know... to feel less alienated. But no, I suppose it did not work as I hoped it would.

And yes, there are many more moments that felt diabolical to the bones in those time periods. Many guys my age, at that time, portrayed dislikes or even disgusts when they encountered any kind of situation with me. I still remember every bit of it, but I'm not gonna share every little detail here. But, just know that... it extremely affected my self-image and self-perception, that I considered myself as an unlovable ugly monstrous creature that badly wanted to belong somewhere—anywhere. And even that, is an understatement. Every word, sentence, and action anchored me with chronic shame and rage and distress. But I didn't tell anyone in my life about this for a long time because I couldn't—because I was so ashamed of myself!

But, today is the day. I am writing this post to finally let go of it and properly have closure.

To me in the past that experienced these wonderful things:

Oh, dear. I wish I could hug you right now.

People might not be so demure and kind about these things, but tell you what, it is not a crime to be born as a girl with dark skin tones, I can assure you of that.

When I look at photos of teenage you or even in the mirror, now, I just see a lovely picturesque creature.

Dearest, believe it or not, you are beautiful.

To the people that have hurt me in the past, either intentionally or unintentionally:

I wish I could crash out and say to your face how horrible you all were, but I can't, because I get it.

We are merely byproducts of our own sociocultural system here in Asia, where only lighter skin tones are deemed as attractive and likable. I so get it, alright? We all were inside the system, and you just didn't know any better. We were messy people who just wanted to have fun and feel like we fit in amongst society. But truth be told, it still stings sometimes, just not as much.

I forgive, but I certainly cannot forget.

I just hope that you all would speak kindly to other people and treat them like how a human being should be treated—with love, respect, and care.

Cheers.

To the people that are reading this right now:

You are worthy.

—Later, love!