I Smoked Away My Brain

When you argue with someone and you start to incorporate emotional reactions, then you have lost.

When you are treated just a bit nice—coddled with care by someone—and your heart starts to flutter, then you have lost.

When you are being ridiculed and bullied by someone and you start to hate those people, then you have lost.

I, myself, have lost many, many times. Guilty as charged. I am highly emotional, I am easily flattered, I internalize my anger and hatred towards people that wronged me. I am perfectly flawed. I do not forgive easily and I never forget. My heart hurts and nothing can stop it. I love and hate in exactly the same way, which is through the extremes. I am an extremist, truly. I am intense, but never in a solid way. I keep on wavering through the waves, ever so changing through times. I blame myself for it. Then the cycle repeats. Again, and again, and again.

Until it doesn’t anymore.

Everything starts to intrigue me now. Sure, it still hurts, I’m not gonna lie. However, I realize that something inside me has switched. I grow curious, I question things, I psychoanalyze everything. And when I say everything, it really means everything.

When something not-so-good happens, what I usually do the first time is honoring myself by letting it hurt inside my chest—to sit with the pain, to feel it deeply, to devour it until the last bit. Then, my brain detaches itself from its identity and starts to think as if it is a separate entity. It looks within. It looks around. It looks everywhere. Then it starts to smile and think, “As painful and insane as they are, it is also absurd, and wonderful. Perhaps also remarkable.”

I might be going insane and this might just be my coping mechanism to stress. But then again, life itself is insane and we are merely byproducts of it.

We are living in a ball of soil, tied with gravity, which rotates, and revolves around a ball of hydrogen and helium, containing nuclear fusion—floating across the vast and limitless universe that can never truly be decoded wholly. And yet, we’re here paying taxes and arguing over human-made concepts of money and religions and territories. Then if it doesn’t align, we go to war and we kill our own race just for the sake of gaining power and control—to feel superior against others.

Now, tell me this is not insane.

I'm all ears.