Feeling emotionally numb? Read this.

Have you ever felt nothing? Someone told you her dad just passed, you didn't feel anything. Someone had a conversation with you about something, but you were emotionally not there, so you couldn’t process what they were talking to you about and you were confused on what to say to them back.

You felt like there was a hole in your chest where things passed by, just like that—whoosh!

Nothing really stayed long enough for you to process them so you were just there, alone, with your emptiness. After a long time, it became frustrating for you, it bothered you. You wanted to feel something, you really did. You wondered why this could happen in the first place. Did you want to feel this way? Perhaps. It was too much for you at some point in your life back then so you felt like you needed this. But, do you still need it now? Has it been enough for you?

It has been enough for me—has it for you?

Since mid 2018, I’ve had these episodes where I would go numb at times I couldn’t quite predict. At first, I could still handle them. I tried to be present as much as I could. I tried to stay in my mind and in my body as much as I could. However, as times went by, it worsened even more. The episodes came even more often and it got even more triggered when I was disgustingly overwhelmed and drained physically and emotionally. It truly felt like I was not there at all, like I just dissociated. It was horrible enough that I needed to literally poke my nails into my fingers or arms to feel something and remind myself to stay present within my mind and body, and not go somewhere else mentally which I was not familiar with at all. I didn’t hurt myself though, don’t worry—I never bleed. I just had to do it to stay mentally grounded and not afloat.

My feelings would then come back to me when the overwhelming and draining feelings subsided, when I rested properly, when I didn’t feel tired. It was truly a crazy and unbelievable experience for me. I have never felt anything like that in my life. I thought the term ‘going numb’ was only idle talk until I experienced them myself.

What’s crazier is that it sort of happened because of me, too.

At some point in my life, before all of this happened, there was a moment where I felt extremely overwhelmed with my feelings and I truly didn’t know what to do. I do not know how to explain this to you, but at that time, I kind of intuitively just visualized to click off my feelings in my mind, in one second, so quickly, just like that. Every time I felt overwhelmed, I just did that and it always worked out. It helped me to avoid feeling overwhelmed but what I didn’t comprehend at that time was that, what I did back then was actually shutting my feelings off, forcefully repressing it, hoarding an immense amount of negative feelings deep within my system, and neglecting them then piling them up overtime. Hence why I would go numb at times, and it worsened every time I felt overwhelmed and drained. I only just realized what was actually happening after I went to a psychologist, figured out plenty of shits on my own until I eventually overcame it.

How did I overcome this?

Well, the process was not easy at all. I was always scared every time I needed to socialize like normal human beings. I was terrified I would get these episodes when I talked to my friends and colleagues. I didn’t want to look weird, awkward, or even worse foolish. I already hated being perceived by people and I didn’t need any more of these shits. But, life is life, and shits happens all the time—they are just inevitable. Hence, it happened several times and I fucking despise it with every fiber of my being. I do not want to go into details about how it happened.

It was so bad that I just needed to isolate myself, far from people, for several months. It felt like the universe also heard me so they kind of gave me a blessing in disguise at that time too—I got laid off from my job. At that time, I just genuinely needed to be alone to sort everything out and I was finally given the time to do that. It was very unfortunate that I got laid off, but I was also finally able to breathe properly for once, so I didn’t really know how to process this situation. I felt horrible but liberated. It was complicated… but life continued nonetheless.

I became more and more closed off, blaming myself for this and that. I pushed my family, friends, and colleagues away, I shut off, my episodes worsened. I did not know what to do and all kinds of thoughts started to appear. I disrupted my appetite and my natural sleep rhythms. I catastrophize things like being hated by everyone. What I felt at that time was just horrible and I didn’t have the skill sets to mitigate them like I do now. In short, I felt fucked up.

One day, I isolated myself so much that my mom started to get angry at me. She shouted this and that to me, but weirdly enough, I was not angry that she was angry. I quite understood that she had her own problems at that time and was also terribly worried about my attitude so she expressed it by raging at me.

Not long after that, perhaps a few days later, a family relative called me to check-in on me and my mom. In short, I just told her everything. I told her that I needed time alone badly because I had personal things going on. She advised me on this and that afterwards. Then I cried. Then it clicked and I understood—I just needed to be heard without judgements by someone that knew me, not merely a professional.

From then on, I tried various things and eventually figured out ways to feel heard and seen without judgements. There were three steps that I found out along the way—shadow work, emotional purging, and energy channeling. You can see for more details here.

If you have been reading this far and have clicked the link, congratulations! You have just given yourself some tips to manage and mitigate crazily disgusting overwhelming feelings. I truly hope it helps, or is informational at least. If you were experiencing similar things to me, I want to tell you that this shall pass, you will eventually find your own way, it is not forever, okay? Just take it step by step, little by little, and without you realizing it, one day you just suddenly arrive there. Thank you for being here.

You are worthy.

—Later, love!