Everything hurts and it's kind of fun?

I feel like we have more agency than we thought we do. And by ‘we’, I mean our essence as living beings—not biologically, psychologically, or physiologically. Our system works in a causal and effect way. What one does affects another and determines what it becomes into. One thing always leads to another, that makes it impossible to have pure free will because even everything you're thinking of doing is pre-determined out of what you're taught to believe since you were a small kid. Some call it fate, some call it determinism.

But what if your essence chose this exact path anyway? You just don’t realize it as you’re too busy surviving in your own game.

Yes, it is determinism, but beyond all of this absurdity of a mess, what if it is your own doing?

You chose this exact life path; you chose those exact family and friends, you chose your own work environment, you chose these exact life traumas, you chose the exact level of difficulty, you chose your own mess, but also joy and beauty. You chose every micro thing that exists in your life—every nitty gritty.

Everything is deliberate and intentional. Every pain, every discomfort, every heartache, every urgency, every survival, every bliss, every glimmer, every friendship, every love.

So, when you get exhausted and you say you want to vanish into the void… it’s really not you, it’s the fatigue that becomes loud.

Tell me, you don’t really want to go, do you?

Your essence is having so much fun, even through all the pain.

Listen carefully. You’ll feel it.

Not because it shows up on your door.

But because you’re already doing exactly what you came here to do—to experience life in whatever forms it manifests as.

"Whatever happens to you has been waiting to happen since the beginning of time." —Marcus Aurelius

So, yes. What they’re saying is all true.

“Omongan adalah doa.”

“You create your own reality.”

“We are living in a simulation.” — Only we are both the master and puppet all at once.

What’s your Sims doing right now?

Mine is probably crying in the corner of the room, having panic attacks, while the stove is burning in the bathroom, and while the pool is overflowing.

Yes, I put the stove in the bathroom, not in the kitchen.

Life is absurd like that.