A Letter to My Future Self

Hey there. How is everything?

You’re still there, aren't you? I hope you are.

Damn, I really don’t know what to say, but… I hope you are okay. I hope you are more than okay. I hope you live the life that you have been wanting for so long. Where are you right now? Are you in Spain or Italy or Greece or France or Finland? I hope you’d be in one of these countries or else I’d be crying right now. Have you met the love of your life? Are you married? Do you already have lovely children? Oh my God, tell me everything. I’m excited to hear about your life! But, before that, let me tell you about mine first, if you don’t mind.

You won’t mind, will ya? I mean, technically, I’m younger than you now so I’m kind of your lil sis somehow ;p So, here I go, then.

You know… right now I’m trying so freaking bad to live properly. But, I’m just feeling so lost right now. I genuinely do not know what to do. I feel like whenever I do something that needs commitment, I directly freak out internally… like a bird that is supposed to roam free in the sky whenever and wherever and someday, it’s caught by someone and got caged. That’s how I feel.

I feel like I’m supposed to be freewheeling in life, whenever and wherever. But, society doesn’t work that way. Somehow, we must follow the rules, capitalism, the corporate world, this and that, yada yada yada. It’s weird though, thinking that all my life, I’ve actually been caged because I’ve gone to school for pretty much almost half of my life, haven’t I? I’ve been tasting commitments for so many years, so what’s the big deal now? I honestly don’t understand.

The eerie rooted gut feeling I had within me that’s continuously chirping every time I was about to start a job or some other commitments… Is it the universe’s way of telling me that perhaps it’s just meant for stepping stones and not for long-term? Is it the universe’s way of telling me that they are not meant for me? That they are not the most ideal path for me? What is it?

What am I meant to do?

I’m starting to lose my patience now. Everyone else around me, my peers, seems like they know what they want to do in life and they go for it with a tolerable amount of certainty while I never have that in my life, ever. Whatever I did in the past was always very indecisive —my school, my university major, my first job, my career path, everything. I was always following other people, never myself. I thought of what people would think best and I followed the standard, always been that way. Respectfully, I’ve always felt miserable and disoriented —you know how it is.

I live within my body, mind, and soul —but I don’t know who the fuck she is!

Even after all these years... good heavens!

I hope you have found her and gotten to know her by the time you're reading this, big sis. Or else, I’m gonna lose my shit, like seriously.

Sorry for being a bit too emotional here. I just… really need you right now. I wish I could time-travel and meet you in-person. Sigh

I recently read a book, titled ‘A Little Life’. Well, by now, it’s been a few weeks, but I still can’t stop thinking about it. Do you remember the book?

Yes, Jude St. Francis. I can’t stop thinking about him. Everything reminds me of him. Whenever I’m trying to read a new book or reading an article or watching TikTok videos or listening to some somber songs, he’s always here… with me. I’ll never truly forget about him, will I? Will you? Maybe you would. It’s been 6 years after all.

I’ve also recently watched a film and a series adaptation of a book, titled ‘One Day’. I’ve watched the film twice, a couple of days ago, and I’ve just finished the series yesterday. I felt devastated, very much. But I didn’t cry, not really. I cried on my first and second watch of the film, but not so much for the series. I like them both the same though. Love the acting and the plot.

Anyways, enough of me rambling. What I’m saying is that… or asking is that, why do I have these weird attractions to tragic stories? What is wrong with me? Do you still like these kinds of stories? I want to know.

It’s your turn to tell me about your life and what you’ve been up to. Well, I wouldn’t know about it the moment I’m writing this, but go on, I will be listening anyhow. I’m sure I’m gonna be merry and elated listening to you talk.

And just so you know, I trust you with all of my heart and whatever happens with you, I know that it’d be for the best so you got nothing to worry about. Thank you for being here, reading this writing of me pretty much just rambling out of my mind. Thank you, once again, for everything, ie wee.

You are worthy.

—Later, love!